"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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