Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
