I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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