I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
