There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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