Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
