so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
