She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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