i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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