it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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