Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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