george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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