Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
