i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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