I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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