South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
