I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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