Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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