Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
honey bunches of taint.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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