he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
