sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
