i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
