Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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