I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
home. puking in laundry basket.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
