In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
