Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
