I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
