This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
