anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
how does that bad decision feel?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
