It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize