god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
