So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I am available for nakedness
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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