I could make wine with my vomit
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
