I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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