i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
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