just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
