First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
please don't ironically join a cult
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