how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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