So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
