i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I can't turn off my feet"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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