Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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