I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
