She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
