I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
