At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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