Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
