My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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