How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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