woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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