In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
