i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
