So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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