I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Still dying that you shit outside
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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