shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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