Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It's just like the Real World with babies
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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