If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
