If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
