She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
