I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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