saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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